Every day and night I prayed to You; while seeking Your guidance in good times and sometimes in bad times. I prayed to You out of happiness and gratitude, while at other times I sought Your comfort when tears kept falling down endlessly, and so I called Your name over and over, but little did I know that my worship wasn’t just directed to You.
Even though I repeated countless times, ‘there is no God, but You’ I didn’t realise that there was a hidden form of duality, that acted as a veil between You and me: a veil that has continuously separated my Soul from Your Glorious Light, the Supreme Being, the Most Merciful and the Most Kind.
While I thought I was living my life in Your name, I didn’t realise that my focus was mostly on worldly matters, in pursuit of happiness in all outer aspects of life. At times my happiness appeared to be in the joy of oneness and celebrating family life; and so the desire to get married and have a family of my own would arise. While at other times, it seemed to be in fulfilling the needs of society; to obtain my degree before a certain age and work on my career to ensure I would leave a legacy behind, as per expectations of those around me. And even though, I thought I was following Your wish and Your way by having ‘faith’ and fulfilling my religious duties, at the same time I was unconsciously dwelling in worldly illusions. In order to protect the ego from getting judged by others or feeling left out, it made sure it met the standards of society at all times, while trying to fulfil the expectations of those around. Pleasing others, which initially seemed out of love, turned out to be a selfish need of the ego – trying to protect itself. And thus I realised, I failed to worship You, as before worshipping You, I worshiped the world, its people and the ego within me, trying to please them as much as I could, out of love for them, out of love for this world and my solid belief that my ‘happiness’ lied in all these worldly matters; ‘selfish love’ in the form of marriage, obtaining various degrees and working on my career for status and recognition. Out of love for them I shed many tears, out of love for them I feared what was ahead, I feared Your wish and Your Will and prayed over and over to please hear my prayers and fulfil my every need. Needs that weren’t ‘mine’ after all, but desperate cries from the ego within and its love for the worldly illusions.
The tears I shed in front of You to obtain these matters are nothing but shameless acts, and so I ask for forgiveness over and over again, for every single moment and every single breath, as I realised that every moment was spent in the way of the ego, pursuing its illusionary happiness. I ask for forgiveness, for not be able to understand the true value of these worldly matters, for not understanding that true love is selfless love for You and only You and love for all of your creations– free flowing love without expectations or demands. I ask forgiveness for misunderstanding the essence of the connections we share with our family, friends and spouse. Relationships that are perceived as a means to an ends by society, to reach ultimate happiness – conveying a message that without a perfect family and/or a perfect marriage, our lives will remain incomplete. However, what we fail to understand is that every individual comes with a specific purpose; some enter our lives to teach us certain lessons, whereas others might learn from us. Relationships are not a means to an end and definitely do not serve as an instrument to attain ‘happiness’, but should be perceived as a tool to teach us meaningful lessons. Moreover, individuals serve as a mirror, to show us where our ego is hidden and what it is that we need to work on and/or which attributes we lack/need to enhance, such as; patience, self-less love, forgives, mercy, justice, compassion, empathy etc.
It is very important to stop searching for happiness outside and to diminish the veil that stands between God and our ‘selves’, which is nothing but the ego. It is only the ego that seeks for outer goals and tells one continuously that ‘if that goal is obtained’ you will be happy. Once you go to university, you will be happy; once you are married, you will be happy; once you have children, you will be happy – but what happened once you reached that goal? The ego carries on and makes a new goal, as true happiness is not in these other goals and will never be found in them either. True happiness lies in seizing the now and being connecting to one’s inner self, to be at peace at all times, to be aware of life and grateful for each and every moment as it comes. Without feeling the need to change it, according to the ego’s desires or fearing it’s outcome. This world is nothing but a test and a mirror to help us to unveil any hidden darkness, so we can eliminate it and adorn ourselves with His beautiful attributes. Trials and tribulations are nothing but His grace, to help us advance and purify ourselves completely, to purify the mind, heart and soul and to free ourselves from the ego’s captivity. Moreover, to find and eliminate every ego trap, so we may take down the numerous veils in front of our eyes and fall at His divine feet. So that one day we may replace selfish love for this temporary world, for selfless love for the True Beloved, the Supreme Being, Our Light and True Guidance. In-Sha’Allah Ameen.
With my love and light,